“You can only control the controllables”

The title of this piece is very important to me and given the current climate, I would like to share it with you all.

This is my mantra and was something my mum said to me to make me focussed on only things I could change or have an impact on. Last May when I was very unwell, my mum noticed that I tried to fix everything or I became consumed by things that I could never control. In my mind, I thought if I succeeded it would give me more worth and in turn feel more satisfied but unfortunately it had the opposite effect and to make me understand what I was doing, ‘You can only control the controllables’ was born!

Despite adhering to the daily plan I created at the beginning of the lockdown 6 weeks ago, last week was particularly tough for me as my mental health took a dip but for the first time in my battle with my mental health, I actually went with it rather ignoring it or trying to carry on as if everything was ok. This might not seem like a big deal but for me it was a little reminder to show how far I’ve come.

Dealing with a dip in my mental health away from home was a lot harder than I thought it would have been. If I was at home, my parents would have more than likely picked up on the signs before I was completely aware of them, so when the crash inevitably happened, they would have been prepared and would have known exactly what to do to help me heal. Being in Italy, living with now a close friend of mine, but who had never seen this side of me before was challenging for us both. The main reason being because I was not an easy person to live with; my sense of humour disappeared, I was very unresponsive and despite his best efforts I couldn’t voice what I wanted or needed. I had a real longing for home and everything home encompassed. I really missed Barney and being able to go for a walk. Due to Italy still enforcing no exercise outside, I was stuck in our apartment which did me no favours because there is only so much you can do and due to being confined to a relatively small space with no garden, I suddenly became very aware of the negative physiological reactions and thoughts I was experiencing. The only thing I could or wanted to do was exercise, phone my parents and lock myself away in my room.

I appreciate this is not a very happy story so far, but it gets better because, despite my dip, it was the first time I allowed myself to cry at films; I deliberately chose Fox & The Hound, The Notebook, Lady & The Tramp to get those tears flowing but it was no certainty that it would work. However, I am thrilled to announce it bloody worked and you might be wondering why this is something to celebrate so here is a tiny backstory…

I started seeing my counsellor Dawn in October 2018 and she made a real positive impact on me and how I handle my depression and anxiety. I believe we were in our 3rd session when she asked me when I had last cried. I really thought about it and I couldn’t remember. I left that session, asked my parents to see if they could remember when I had last cried and they too couldn’t remember. I just remember feeling empty- I really struggled to feel basic emotions. Due to my mental illness, I had suppressed everything so a lot of the work we did in the following 9months was based on me getting in touch with my emotions. It was a really hard and mentally tough journey but I will never forget her face when I first cried in a session- she looked like I had just won a gold medal and was so proud of me.

Despite this break through, I need to add it still isn’t very easy for me to allow certain emotions such as crying and this leads me to my achievement last week…

So there I was in bed, wrapped in 5 layers because I felt so cold and I was in floods of tears but I was smiling. I was smiling because I finally understood what my mum, counsellor, GP meant by having a good cry makes you feel so much better. It was therapeutic because I felt a release of emotions which I had not experienced in such a long time and for the first time in probably 3 weeks I actually slept well. I hate to admit it, but I will no longer make fun of my mum crying at a film because I will probably be the same. Crying last week was definitely the turning point last week and it is something I will hopefully not be too ashamed to do more of in the future.

***

I am now writing this on the 18th April, 1 week since my dip but in truth, it feels like it happened months ago. Being in lockdown (as you all know) really messes with you. I sometimes feel like we have been stuck in our apartment for only a couple of weeks, other times it feels like we haven’t been outside since January. In truth, we have been in lockdown for 6 weeks, the schools have not been open for 8weeks, and unlike at home, there is no talk of when they are going to be open again. Our lockdown has been extended to the 3rd May so hopefully the 2nd phase can then be brought in and this will hopefully allow us to go outside for exercise and parks being opened.

This week I have certainly felt a lot lighter in terms of my emotional baggage. It is not until it has been relieved, you realise how much stress you can carry around with you. This week, I have been using my mantra a lot more because I don’t want to fall in to the trap of trying to do too much because I did very little last week and I don’t want to get consumed by things that I have no control over (job security, coronavirus, money, lockdown deadline- the list is endless).

As many of you are aware, I created a list of activities that I wanted to do while in lockdown; read new books, watch films that I hadn’t had the chance and exercise more. I am very pleased to report that I have stuck to my routine of exercise and I can now see the positive impact it has had. I have read 17 different books, coloured a lot and watched 6 new films; if you haven’t watched it already, watch Green Book. It is my new favourite! My film count is slightly lower than I thought it would be but after starting to teach online, I have wanted to spend less time in front of my laptop screen and, this is a huge factor, I got caught up watching Tiger King. Tiger King was released at the right time because it is escapism tv at its best. It takes your mind off all your worries and it makes you thankful for what you have got.

I am all too aware of the emotional rollercoaster lockdown can bring; it is hard work trying to be positive and keep looking forward to the future. These are unprecedented times and the majority of us have never experienced anything like this before so here are somethings that I have found particularly useful;

Embrace the emotions; some days you will be feeling great, others you may feel like absolute rubbish. Don’t ignore them and certainly don’t feel guilty about feeling a specific way. Remember there is no rule book telling us what is the right and wrong way to deal with this situation so don’t compare yourself to others.

If you are feeling anxious stop watching, reading or listening to the news. I started to do this recently and it has helped me so much. Also, if your phone sends you alerts to breaking news- turn them off. I found I jumped every time my phone alerted me to something and now they are turned off, I feel so much more at ease.

Put your phone down: Whilst we have been in lockdown, the easiest thing we can do is to go on our phones. We are all guilty of it and it can be tough habit to break. However, I have found by limiting how much time I spend on my phone or specifically how much time I spend scrolling through social media, has really helped. Instead I listen to podcasts, colour, write or read to occupy and use my time more positively.

Dance and Sing: Create a lockdown playlist and play it as loud as you want. Whilst being in lockdown, the anthem ‘Stronger’ by Britney Spears has become mine and my flatmates song (he loves it now, but was slightly reluctant at first). I have loved listening to the 90s and 00s cheesy classics, dancing like a loon and using my hairbrush as a microphone. It has reminded me of being a child again and is so freeing.

Talk: Contact friends who you haven’t seen in a long time, speak to family members you can’t see and enjoy the technology we now have at our disposable; zoom, FaceTime. Speaking to different friends and family has really helped me in these times and it is something I intend to continue once the lockdown has ended.

‘Time spent with family is well spent’

I always thought of myself to be lucky growing up in the family environment I did and with the added bonus of the rugby club, my ‘family’ continuously grew around me. When I was much younger I thought everyone else had the same experiences as myself and on Monday mornings at school I couldn’t understand it when classmates said they stayed at home all weekend and didn’t do anything. I remember asking them questions; you didn’t get all muddy watching rugby?, you didn’t roll down a bank or play in mud? you didn’t climb into the back of your gramps’s car and make him drive really fast over the speed bumps? In regards to the last question, it was probably a good thing they didn’t do it as thanks to the wonderful thing that is hindsight, it probably wasn’t very safe or more importantly legal. Every question was met with a no and I felt sad that they weren’t experiencing the things me and my siblings were.

When I went to University I realised I was from a ‘special’ place. A place that the friends I invited to visit ‘got’ but many wouldn’t. Our family and friends lived neatly inside a circle with the eye of the circle being the Rugby Club. This was great because there was no need to drive anywhere; something I only fully appreciated once of legal age to drink or drive (never together). I have seen people enter this environment and feel nervous/uncomfortable and I believe it is because of the mix of people; age is never considered. You have 16year old boys sat with the 1st XV, old and young mix, swap stories and drink all as one. You drink with your parents, their friends and it is not seen as strange.

Growing up, Sunday evenings were spent at Granny and Gramps’s house. Granny would cook the whole family a big Sunday dinner, get annoyed when the parents would arrive at 5:30-6pm not 5pm as arranged and while the parents were drinking, I instructed my siblings and cousins on what costumes we would we wear and the performance we would give. These Sunday dinners continued (thankfully not the performances) but after our Gramps died they stopped and this is when a new kind of Sunday was introduced and still adhered to now. Since then the typical ‘Taylor Sunday’ has often consisted of having one too many, getting home and ordering a curry with the excuse that we always preferred to have a Sunday roast on Tuesday. I don’t know if the last part is strictly true but that is what we have always told ourselves, and to be honest, it was a nice treat.

You might be wondering why I am sharing this with you, but today is Sunday 15th March, the first Sunday since we have been in lockdown. My Sunday’s in Italy are very different to those I spent at home. They now consist of a lazy morning, a walk in the park and watching a film or reading a book, receiving a video call off my Dad before making some tea and getting to bed at a reasonable hour (very grown up)! While enjoying my lazy Sundays, I notice the roads are quieter in comparison to the rest of the week because the only people travelling are those heading to their friends or families for a Sunday lunch. Shops are always shut and the pubs aren’t open so there is nothing to distract them from spending time with their loved ones.

If you aren’t already aware, the Italians are very family orientated and I have learnt from teaching they struggle to understand our relationships with our families (very generalised statement). When I say family, I don’t mean our immediate family but our aunts, cousins, cousins cousins etc. They don’t understand how we can go weeks without being in contact or seeing them and this is what has led me to this observation…

Where I live, the other residents in our block are considerably older than myself and flatmates and Sundays are often noisier due to all their families coming round for Sunday lunch. Over the road I always notice a family arriving at around 12pm and leave between 5-6pm. Children are always running and playing in the street, lots of hugs & kissing, the grandparents not going inside until the car is out of sight etc. But this Sunday is different. There are no grandchildren running up the stairs, there are no muffled sounds of laughter, games being played or a slight disagreement coming through the ceiling. I am sat on the balcony again looking at the empty houses- people not sitting outside on their balconies and there are no sounds of families arriving to hugs, kisses and people enjoying being in each others company. It is quiet and it feels empty.

Some of you might be wondering why if we have our permits, why can’t we visit others; friends, family members. Well, there is a rule that you are not allowed to have more than 3 people inside a flat the size I currently live in as you need to try and adhere to the 1 meter rule at all times. Also, it was reported in the Italian press this week that a group of 6 people were arrested due to not complying with the lockdown restrictions. They had headed over to a friends house to play cards, a member of the public overheard their conversation in the supermarket and reported them to the police. The reason for their arrest: their gathering was of no need and therefore expressly forbidden by the decree (enforcement of the lockdown). This means people are staying in their flats unable to spend time with their loved ones and the elderly who live alone are cut off from society.

The reason I am sharing this with you all is because whilst you are panic buying toilet roll, nappies, canned tomatoes and pasta etc. you are not thinking of the bigger picture. If you do head into lockdown (which from what I understand is highly likely), you won’t be sitting in your house thankful that you have 3 x 24 rolls of toilet roll in your house, or 15bags of pasta, you will be worried. You will be worried about your loved ones that you can’t see or help. You will be worrying about your job, money, your neighbour who might be living alone or the neighbour who is pregnant and about things that aren’t even important, and at times, you will feel really down for no apparent reason.

Lockdown is lonely! I saw an article in which Dr. Christian slammed Italy for announcing a nationwide lockdown suggesting that we are lazy and just spending our time sleeping. I want to reiterate that this is not the case. The Italian population is one of (if not the eldest) in Europe and there are people who are trapped in their homes alone. People are concerned about not having a job, people are not making any money, people are wondering how to keep their children occupied as we enter the fourth week of schools being shut. This is lockdown!! It isn’t a party but it is where worries consume you because you have very little to distract you (hence My Keeping Sane wall) and this is what I want to make you aware of.

Whilst you are still able, I implore you to put down the toilet roll and spend time outdoors even if it is raining, meet up with family and friends, take your grandparents out for a coffee, check in on your neighbours, do all the jobs you have been putting off e.g. bank, post office etc. because you may not have a chance if the country enters lockdown. Once you are trapped in your house you realise what is truly important and that is other people’s company so get it whilst you still can!!!

Life in Lockdown

As the majority of you know, I have been living in Modena, Italy for the past 5months. The past 5months have been rewarding and at times a little challenging, but this week has been the most challenging period I (and the locals) have faced, and what is more concerning there is nothing we can do except wait…

***

On Sunday 23rd February, I was sat in my apartment with my flatmate (and co-worker) and our friend (another co-worker) drinking beer and watching England beat Ireland. My parents had been visiting me and they left on the 22nd February, which turned out to be the best time to leave Italy. Once the game had finished we all received an email stating all schools in Emilia-Romagna, Veneto & Lombardy were going to be closed due to the Coronavirus outbreak. This email was not met with shocked expressions, feelings of worry but instead it was met by 2 English and 1 Scotsman chanting Sunday Sesh and then proceeding to go to pubs and celebrate having a week off work. You might think we were mad but at the time there was nothing out there to cause massive concern. It is quite funny to look at our actions in comparison with the scenes I have seen in the UK as we had a similar amount of outbreaks as the UK does now but no-one here was panic buying toilet roll, pasta etc. Instead we went out drinking and the parents were panicking about what to do with their children as they still had to work.

In that week off we tried to go to the park as much as possible to enjoy the sunshine, fresh air and pass the rugby ball (my flatmate bought one so we were all very excited). On Monday/Tuesday the park was full, parents, grandparents, children running round and riding their bikes but as the week progressed, you noticed fewer people out and about. I am still a novice when it comes to Italian but I was seeing what the UK press were saying about the Italian situation and it did not paint a good picture. On Friday of that week it was announced all schools in the regions previously affected will remain closed but due to our school being slightly different we could open but run a very reduced programme.

I’m not going to lie, I wasn’t particularly keen to head back to work because I was becoming more aware that people be could be carrying the virus and not be aware of it but after 1 week in lockdown, going into work turned out to be a blessing in disguise. When at work we had to ensure we were 1meter away from all students, ensure we don’t touch our face and always remember to cough/sneeze into your elbow/tissue. I took anti-bacterial gel, tissues and tied my hair up so I could adhere to the rules but what I wasn’t prepared for, was the mass hysteria that was created after I coughed- immediately students were getting their anti-bac out, tissues, wiping the sofa etc. A lot of students unsurprisingly cancelled that week as the coronavirus was spreading a lot quicker than anyone could have predicted and people (quite rightly) didn’t want to risk being in a small place with other people without masks etc.

On the 7th March, all the teachers at the school were added to a WhatsApp group entitled ‘Coronavirus Advisory Group’ and I just knew restrictions were going to be enforced and this is when I started to panic. Not because of the virus itself, but what the restrictions would be and the repercussions. The Government had placed Modena inside the Red-Zone which meant no-one could enter and no-one could leave. With all schools in the red zone closed until the 3rd April, it was decided we would do 3 live lessons a day online to keep the students engaged and learning English in this time of upheaval.

On the 9th March it was announced the whole of Italy was now in the red-zone and with this news came a lot more restrictions and rules we had to adhere to. It was originally planned that we would continue to do online lessons until at least today (13.03.20) but after a Government meeting we had to leave the school yesterday (12.03.20) by 11am. The news that we have been told is we are not allowed to leave our homes unless absolutely necessary, if we do leave the house for whatever reason we must carry at least 2 permits (1 for your outbound journey and 1 for the return) as police are within their rights to stop, ask where you are going and if you don’t have a permit you could receive a fine or 3months in jail. Also, only the supermarket and pharmacy’s are open so you are literally trapped.

With this news, the first thing I did after a very quick walk home so I didn’t get stopped by the police was make a list of the books I want to read, the films I want to watch, different exercises I can do to keep my mind and body healthy, a daily plan and stuck them on my wall. I think I’m going to call it ‘My Keeping Sane’ wall. When I was very unwell with depression and anxiety; my mum, doctor and counsellor suggested that I write a daily plan to keep my mind focussed and make me feel accomplished after completing something. Whilst I am feeling very well mentally, I am all too aware that these situations can make me feel unsettled and I need to be proactive. Also, when I was very unwell, the only thing I wanted to do was clean. If I felt anxious, angry, tired, frustrated I cleaned and at times I couldn’t leave the house until the job was done to my standard, so while having an invisible virus that is infecting millions is not the best thing for me to mentally deal with, I want to ensure I clean but don’t slip into the same debilitating and exhausting routine.

I am writing this sat on my balcony in a t-shirt enjoying the fresh air and sunshine. It is so strange to see what is normally a busy road so quiet and the majority of the cars out and about are police cars. People are allowed to walk their dogs but despite the warm weather they are wrapped up in thick coats, scarves, surgical gloves and masks. They are looking up at me thinking I am completely barmy as I am ‘unprotected’ and at times I feel like I am in a completely different universe-being lockdown is the strangest feeling ever. You are in your home where nothing has changed but once you step out the doors (with your permits) you realise everything is different. The supermarket shelves are bare (maybe not as bare as in the UK), people are unable to earn as their shops/bars/restaurants have to be closed until at least the 3rd April, people won’t leave their homes without masks and surgical gloves, people will walk down another aisle to avoid touching a stranger, and children are playing in their back gardens with surgical gloves and masks on.

From what I understand, Italy has not yet hit its peak and with the announcement that Rome has shut all churches until the 3rd April, it is only a matter of time until other cities/towns follow suit. These are very strange times but with ‘My Keeping Sane’ wall I intend to accomplish a lot; become a lot fitter, well read and watch films which doesn’t have cartoon animals singing (sorry Disney). If you have any other suggestions to help keep me sane please let me know!