Thirty, Flirty and Thriving- Nearly

In 48hours time I turn 30. I know, I can’t believe it either. In the run up to entering the next decade of my life I have been doing a lot of reflecting and that’s what has led me to writing this piece.

My Mum and I had a good chat the other day about turning 30 and how I was feeling about it. I was surprised to learn that my Mum struggled with her thirtieth birthday. I was surprised because she had everything 7 year old Alix aspired to have – marriage, 3 children and a lovely house. For me growing up, these were incredibly important to me and to an extent they still are but I am so incredibly thankful that I haven’t met my person yet because I have achieved so much more in the past decade than I may have done if I settled down at an earlier age.

For those people who know me or have read my previous blog posts, you will know my twenties were not easy by any stretch of the imagination. I have experienced some incredible highs but some serious lows which led me to rock bottom and there were concerns that I wouldn’t even be here to celebrate my thirtieth due to the seriousness of my depression and anxiety. I read a quote recently and it spoke to me ‘I am thankful for every day I wake up’. It is inevitable that there are days when I feel utter rubbish or my anxiety is uncontrollable or I don’t want to get out of bed but I am still here to experience it and for that alone, I am determined to enter my thirties with a much more positive mindset knowing I am going to achieve my teaching degree and the world is my oyster.

My twenties have been an adventure and I am so extremely proud of everything I have achieved. Sure there are things that I would rather forget about but that’s what makes me human and I recently started a ‘cringe box’ in which I write down something that I would rather forget about and stash it away. For me writing throughout my twenties has been such a help and it is now a habit that I will continue with. I didn’t think I enjoyed writing as much as I do, but it is one of my many forms of therapy. From writing this blog to keeping a journal and dream diary, writing my thoughts and feelings down means my mind feels lighter and that can only be a good thing.

Because I couldn’t complete my 30 things to do before I’m 30 (thanks Covid), I am going to create a list of 30 things I am proud of myself for doing/achieving throughout my twenties. This is an incredibly varied list and it isn’t in any particular order. I was going to try and write the list in accordance to what year things took place but things have just blended together so here we go…

Graduated from York St. John University
Travelled to Australia
Travelled to New Zealand
Travelled to Sri Lanka on a group tour and saw Indian elephants roaming in the National Parks.
Volunteered with Archelon in Kyparissia, Greece
Travelled around Greece
Completed my TEFL course
Lived and worked in Italy for 12months
Got accepted into university to complete my PGCE
Awarded Volunteer of the Year – Staffordshire Rugby
Completed my Level 2 Rugby Coaching Award
Set up the first girl’s rugby section at Walsall RFC
Awarded Volunteer of the Year- Staffordshire Rugby
Learnt to play my Ukulele
Acknowledged and have continued to seek help for my mental health
Did the Nevis Swing in Queenstown, New Zealand
Left a job that was making me incredibly miserable despite the financial benefits and no back up plan
Learnt Italian (not great but I could order drinks, book a table at a restaurant, swear proficiently and ask/answer basic questions – it got me by )
Acknowledged which friends were good and which were bad for me and made the difficult decision to distance myself from those people.
Started to feel comfortable within myself and like who I am
Having the courage to start this blog
Got my first tattoo
Had my nose pierced (parents were not keen but they have grown to like it)
Read more and choose a wider variety of books (eg. started Gone with the Wind 3 weeks ago and still plodding my way through it- determined not to give up)
Started going to yoga classes and learnt to meditate.
Treated my parents and myself to a meal at Purnell’s Restaurant in Birmingham
Survived a very intense lockdown in Italy and managed to avoid insanity- dancing to Stronger by Britney Spears using the mop as a microphone doesn’t count
Bought tickets for my parents, brother and I to go to the World Cup Semi-Final Match in Cardiff.
Went to my first festival (it may have only been for a day but it still counts, right?!)
Started a virtual walking challenge ‘Land’s End to John O’Groats’ in January and am still going strong (walked 514.08km so far)

So there you have it, my top thirty things I am proud of myself for doing/achieving during my twenties. I am so ready to start my next chapter. Come on thirties, let’s see what you’ve got in store!

“You can only control the controllables”

The title of this piece is very important to me and given the current climate, I would like to share it with you all.

This is my mantra and was something my mum said to me to make me focussed on only things I could change or have an impact on. Last May when I was very unwell, my mum noticed that I tried to fix everything or I became consumed by things that I could never control. In my mind, I thought if I succeeded it would give me more worth and in turn feel more satisfied but unfortunately it had the opposite effect and to make me understand what I was doing, ‘You can only control the controllables’ was born!

Despite adhering to the daily plan I created at the beginning of the lockdown 6 weeks ago, last week was particularly tough for me as my mental health took a dip but for the first time in my battle with my mental health, I actually went with it rather ignoring it or trying to carry on as if everything was ok. This might not seem like a big deal but for me it was a little reminder to show how far I’ve come.

Dealing with a dip in my mental health away from home was a lot harder than I thought it would have been. If I was at home, my parents would have more than likely picked up on the signs before I was completely aware of them, so when the crash inevitably happened, they would have been prepared and would have known exactly what to do to help me heal. Being in Italy, living with now a close friend of mine, but who had never seen this side of me before was challenging for us both. The main reason being because I was not an easy person to live with; my sense of humour disappeared, I was very unresponsive and despite his best efforts I couldn’t voice what I wanted or needed. I had a real longing for home and everything home encompassed. I really missed Barney and being able to go for a walk. Due to Italy still enforcing no exercise outside, I was stuck in our apartment which did me no favours because there is only so much you can do and due to being confined to a relatively small space with no garden, I suddenly became very aware of the negative physiological reactions and thoughts I was experiencing. The only thing I could or wanted to do was exercise, phone my parents and lock myself away in my room.

I appreciate this is not a very happy story so far, but it gets better because, despite my dip, it was the first time I allowed myself to cry at films; I deliberately chose Fox & The Hound, The Notebook, Lady & The Tramp to get those tears flowing but it was no certainty that it would work. However, I am thrilled to announce it bloody worked and you might be wondering why this is something to celebrate so here is a tiny backstory…

I started seeing my counsellor Dawn in October 2018 and she made a real positive impact on me and how I handle my depression and anxiety. I believe we were in our 3rd session when she asked me when I had last cried. I really thought about it and I couldn’t remember. I left that session, asked my parents to see if they could remember when I had last cried and they too couldn’t remember. I just remember feeling empty- I really struggled to feel basic emotions. Due to my mental illness, I had suppressed everything so a lot of the work we did in the following 9months was based on me getting in touch with my emotions. It was a really hard and mentally tough journey but I will never forget her face when I first cried in a session- she looked like I had just won a gold medal and was so proud of me.

Despite this break through, I need to add it still isn’t very easy for me to allow certain emotions such as crying and this leads me to my achievement last week…

So there I was in bed, wrapped in 5 layers because I felt so cold and I was in floods of tears but I was smiling. I was smiling because I finally understood what my mum, counsellor, GP meant by having a good cry makes you feel so much better. It was therapeutic because I felt a release of emotions which I had not experienced in such a long time and for the first time in probably 3 weeks I actually slept well. I hate to admit it, but I will no longer make fun of my mum crying at a film because I will probably be the same. Crying last week was definitely the turning point last week and it is something I will hopefully not be too ashamed to do more of in the future.

***

I am now writing this on the 18th April, 1 week since my dip but in truth, it feels like it happened months ago. Being in lockdown (as you all know) really messes with you. I sometimes feel like we have been stuck in our apartment for only a couple of weeks, other times it feels like we haven’t been outside since January. In truth, we have been in lockdown for 6 weeks, the schools have not been open for 8weeks, and unlike at home, there is no talk of when they are going to be open again. Our lockdown has been extended to the 3rd May so hopefully the 2nd phase can then be brought in and this will hopefully allow us to go outside for exercise and parks being opened.

This week I have certainly felt a lot lighter in terms of my emotional baggage. It is not until it has been relieved, you realise how much stress you can carry around with you. This week, I have been using my mantra a lot more because I don’t want to fall in to the trap of trying to do too much because I did very little last week and I don’t want to get consumed by things that I have no control over (job security, coronavirus, money, lockdown deadline- the list is endless).

As many of you are aware, I created a list of activities that I wanted to do while in lockdown; read new books, watch films that I hadn’t had the chance and exercise more. I am very pleased to report that I have stuck to my routine of exercise and I can now see the positive impact it has had. I have read 17 different books, coloured a lot and watched 6 new films; if you haven’t watched it already, watch Green Book. It is my new favourite! My film count is slightly lower than I thought it would be but after starting to teach online, I have wanted to spend less time in front of my laptop screen and, this is a huge factor, I got caught up watching Tiger King. Tiger King was released at the right time because it is escapism tv at its best. It takes your mind off all your worries and it makes you thankful for what you have got.

I am all too aware of the emotional rollercoaster lockdown can bring; it is hard work trying to be positive and keep looking forward to the future. These are unprecedented times and the majority of us have never experienced anything like this before so here are somethings that I have found particularly useful;

Embrace the emotions; some days you will be feeling great, others you may feel like absolute rubbish. Don’t ignore them and certainly don’t feel guilty about feeling a specific way. Remember there is no rule book telling us what is the right and wrong way to deal with this situation so don’t compare yourself to others.

If you are feeling anxious stop watching, reading or listening to the news. I started to do this recently and it has helped me so much. Also, if your phone sends you alerts to breaking news- turn them off. I found I jumped every time my phone alerted me to something and now they are turned off, I feel so much more at ease.

Put your phone down: Whilst we have been in lockdown, the easiest thing we can do is to go on our phones. We are all guilty of it and it can be tough habit to break. However, I have found by limiting how much time I spend on my phone or specifically how much time I spend scrolling through social media, has really helped. Instead I listen to podcasts, colour, write or read to occupy and use my time more positively.

Dance and Sing: Create a lockdown playlist and play it as loud as you want. Whilst being in lockdown, the anthem ‘Stronger’ by Britney Spears has become mine and my flatmates song (he loves it now, but was slightly reluctant at first). I have loved listening to the 90s and 00s cheesy classics, dancing like a loon and using my hairbrush as a microphone. It has reminded me of being a child again and is so freeing.

Talk: Contact friends who you haven’t seen in a long time, speak to family members you can’t see and enjoy the technology we now have at our disposable; zoom, FaceTime. Speaking to different friends and family has really helped me in these times and it is something I intend to continue once the lockdown has ended.

‘Time spent with family is well spent’

I always thought of myself to be lucky growing up in the family environment I did and with the added bonus of the rugby club, my ‘family’ continuously grew around me. When I was much younger I thought everyone else had the same experiences as myself and on Monday mornings at school I couldn’t understand it when classmates said they stayed at home all weekend and didn’t do anything. I remember asking them questions; you didn’t get all muddy watching rugby?, you didn’t roll down a bank or play in mud? you didn’t climb into the back of your gramps’s car and make him drive really fast over the speed bumps? In regards to the last question, it was probably a good thing they didn’t do it as thanks to the wonderful thing that is hindsight, it probably wasn’t very safe or more importantly legal. Every question was met with a no and I felt sad that they weren’t experiencing the things me and my siblings were.

When I went to University I realised I was from a ‘special’ place. A place that the friends I invited to visit ‘got’ but many wouldn’t. Our family and friends lived neatly inside a circle with the eye of the circle being the Rugby Club. This was great because there was no need to drive anywhere; something I only fully appreciated once of legal age to drink or drive (never together). I have seen people enter this environment and feel nervous/uncomfortable and I believe it is because of the mix of people; age is never considered. You have 16year old boys sat with the 1st XV, old and young mix, swap stories and drink all as one. You drink with your parents, their friends and it is not seen as strange.

Growing up, Sunday evenings were spent at Granny and Gramps’s house. Granny would cook the whole family a big Sunday dinner, get annoyed when the parents would arrive at 5:30-6pm not 5pm as arranged and while the parents were drinking, I instructed my siblings and cousins on what costumes we would we wear and the performance we would give. These Sunday dinners continued (thankfully not the performances) but after our Gramps died they stopped and this is when a new kind of Sunday was introduced and still adhered to now. Since then the typical ‘Taylor Sunday’ has often consisted of having one too many, getting home and ordering a curry with the excuse that we always preferred to have a Sunday roast on Tuesday. I don’t know if the last part is strictly true but that is what we have always told ourselves, and to be honest, it was a nice treat.

You might be wondering why I am sharing this with you, but today is Sunday 15th March, the first Sunday since we have been in lockdown. My Sunday’s in Italy are very different to those I spent at home. They now consist of a lazy morning, a walk in the park and watching a film or reading a book, receiving a video call off my Dad before making some tea and getting to bed at a reasonable hour (very grown up)! While enjoying my lazy Sundays, I notice the roads are quieter in comparison to the rest of the week because the only people travelling are those heading to their friends or families for a Sunday lunch. Shops are always shut and the pubs aren’t open so there is nothing to distract them from spending time with their loved ones.

If you aren’t already aware, the Italians are very family orientated and I have learnt from teaching they struggle to understand our relationships with our families (very generalised statement). When I say family, I don’t mean our immediate family but our aunts, cousins, cousins cousins etc. They don’t understand how we can go weeks without being in contact or seeing them and this is what has led me to this observation…

Where I live, the other residents in our block are considerably older than myself and flatmates and Sundays are often noisier due to all their families coming round for Sunday lunch. Over the road I always notice a family arriving at around 12pm and leave between 5-6pm. Children are always running and playing in the street, lots of hugs & kissing, the grandparents not going inside until the car is out of sight etc. But this Sunday is different. There are no grandchildren running up the stairs, there are no muffled sounds of laughter, games being played or a slight disagreement coming through the ceiling. I am sat on the balcony again looking at the empty houses- people not sitting outside on their balconies and there are no sounds of families arriving to hugs, kisses and people enjoying being in each others company. It is quiet and it feels empty.

Some of you might be wondering why if we have our permits, why can’t we visit others; friends, family members. Well, there is a rule that you are not allowed to have more than 3 people inside a flat the size I currently live in as you need to try and adhere to the 1 meter rule at all times. Also, it was reported in the Italian press this week that a group of 6 people were arrested due to not complying with the lockdown restrictions. They had headed over to a friends house to play cards, a member of the public overheard their conversation in the supermarket and reported them to the police. The reason for their arrest: their gathering was of no need and therefore expressly forbidden by the decree (enforcement of the lockdown). This means people are staying in their flats unable to spend time with their loved ones and the elderly who live alone are cut off from society.

The reason I am sharing this with you all is because whilst you are panic buying toilet roll, nappies, canned tomatoes and pasta etc. you are not thinking of the bigger picture. If you do head into lockdown (which from what I understand is highly likely), you won’t be sitting in your house thankful that you have 3 x 24 rolls of toilet roll in your house, or 15bags of pasta, you will be worried. You will be worried about your loved ones that you can’t see or help. You will be worrying about your job, money, your neighbour who might be living alone or the neighbour who is pregnant and about things that aren’t even important, and at times, you will feel really down for no apparent reason.

Lockdown is lonely! I saw an article in which Dr. Christian slammed Italy for announcing a nationwide lockdown suggesting that we are lazy and just spending our time sleeping. I want to reiterate that this is not the case. The Italian population is one of (if not the eldest) in Europe and there are people who are trapped in their homes alone. People are concerned about not having a job, people are not making any money, people are wondering how to keep their children occupied as we enter the fourth week of schools being shut. This is lockdown!! It isn’t a party but it is where worries consume you because you have very little to distract you (hence My Keeping Sane wall) and this is what I want to make you aware of.

Whilst you are still able, I implore you to put down the toilet roll and spend time outdoors even if it is raining, meet up with family and friends, take your grandparents out for a coffee, check in on your neighbours, do all the jobs you have been putting off e.g. bank, post office etc. because you may not have a chance if the country enters lockdown. Once you are trapped in your house you realise what is truly important and that is other people’s company so get it whilst you still can!!!

Life in Lockdown

As the majority of you know, I have been living in Modena, Italy for the past 5months. The past 5months have been rewarding and at times a little challenging, but this week has been the most challenging period I (and the locals) have faced, and what is more concerning there is nothing we can do except wait…

***

On Sunday 23rd February, I was sat in my apartment with my flatmate (and co-worker) and our friend (another co-worker) drinking beer and watching England beat Ireland. My parents had been visiting me and they left on the 22nd February, which turned out to be the best time to leave Italy. Once the game had finished we all received an email stating all schools in Emilia-Romagna, Veneto & Lombardy were going to be closed due to the Coronavirus outbreak. This email was not met with shocked expressions, feelings of worry but instead it was met by 2 English and 1 Scotsman chanting Sunday Sesh and then proceeding to go to pubs and celebrate having a week off work. You might think we were mad but at the time there was nothing out there to cause massive concern. It is quite funny to look at our actions in comparison with the scenes I have seen in the UK as we had a similar amount of outbreaks as the UK does now but no-one here was panic buying toilet roll, pasta etc. Instead we went out drinking and the parents were panicking about what to do with their children as they still had to work.

In that week off we tried to go to the park as much as possible to enjoy the sunshine, fresh air and pass the rugby ball (my flatmate bought one so we were all very excited). On Monday/Tuesday the park was full, parents, grandparents, children running round and riding their bikes but as the week progressed, you noticed fewer people out and about. I am still a novice when it comes to Italian but I was seeing what the UK press were saying about the Italian situation and it did not paint a good picture. On Friday of that week it was announced all schools in the regions previously affected will remain closed but due to our school being slightly different we could open but run a very reduced programme.

I’m not going to lie, I wasn’t particularly keen to head back to work because I was becoming more aware that people be could be carrying the virus and not be aware of it but after 1 week in lockdown, going into work turned out to be a blessing in disguise. When at work we had to ensure we were 1meter away from all students, ensure we don’t touch our face and always remember to cough/sneeze into your elbow/tissue. I took anti-bacterial gel, tissues and tied my hair up so I could adhere to the rules but what I wasn’t prepared for, was the mass hysteria that was created after I coughed- immediately students were getting their anti-bac out, tissues, wiping the sofa etc. A lot of students unsurprisingly cancelled that week as the coronavirus was spreading a lot quicker than anyone could have predicted and people (quite rightly) didn’t want to risk being in a small place with other people without masks etc.

On the 7th March, all the teachers at the school were added to a WhatsApp group entitled ‘Coronavirus Advisory Group’ and I just knew restrictions were going to be enforced and this is when I started to panic. Not because of the virus itself, but what the restrictions would be and the repercussions. The Government had placed Modena inside the Red-Zone which meant no-one could enter and no-one could leave. With all schools in the red zone closed until the 3rd April, it was decided we would do 3 live lessons a day online to keep the students engaged and learning English in this time of upheaval.

On the 9th March it was announced the whole of Italy was now in the red-zone and with this news came a lot more restrictions and rules we had to adhere to. It was originally planned that we would continue to do online lessons until at least today (13.03.20) but after a Government meeting we had to leave the school yesterday (12.03.20) by 11am. The news that we have been told is we are not allowed to leave our homes unless absolutely necessary, if we do leave the house for whatever reason we must carry at least 2 permits (1 for your outbound journey and 1 for the return) as police are within their rights to stop, ask where you are going and if you don’t have a permit you could receive a fine or 3months in jail. Also, only the supermarket and pharmacy’s are open so you are literally trapped.

With this news, the first thing I did after a very quick walk home so I didn’t get stopped by the police was make a list of the books I want to read, the films I want to watch, different exercises I can do to keep my mind and body healthy, a daily plan and stuck them on my wall. I think I’m going to call it ‘My Keeping Sane’ wall. When I was very unwell with depression and anxiety; my mum, doctor and counsellor suggested that I write a daily plan to keep my mind focussed and make me feel accomplished after completing something. Whilst I am feeling very well mentally, I am all too aware that these situations can make me feel unsettled and I need to be proactive. Also, when I was very unwell, the only thing I wanted to do was clean. If I felt anxious, angry, tired, frustrated I cleaned and at times I couldn’t leave the house until the job was done to my standard, so while having an invisible virus that is infecting millions is not the best thing for me to mentally deal with, I want to ensure I clean but don’t slip into the same debilitating and exhausting routine.

I am writing this sat on my balcony in a t-shirt enjoying the fresh air and sunshine. It is so strange to see what is normally a busy road so quiet and the majority of the cars out and about are police cars. People are allowed to walk their dogs but despite the warm weather they are wrapped up in thick coats, scarves, surgical gloves and masks. They are looking up at me thinking I am completely barmy as I am ‘unprotected’ and at times I feel like I am in a completely different universe-being lockdown is the strangest feeling ever. You are in your home where nothing has changed but once you step out the doors (with your permits) you realise everything is different. The supermarket shelves are bare (maybe not as bare as in the UK), people are unable to earn as their shops/bars/restaurants have to be closed until at least the 3rd April, people won’t leave their homes without masks and surgical gloves, people will walk down another aisle to avoid touching a stranger, and children are playing in their back gardens with surgical gloves and masks on.

From what I understand, Italy has not yet hit its peak and with the announcement that Rome has shut all churches until the 3rd April, it is only a matter of time until other cities/towns follow suit. These are very strange times but with ‘My Keeping Sane’ wall I intend to accomplish a lot; become a lot fitter, well read and watch films which doesn’t have cartoon animals singing (sorry Disney). If you have any other suggestions to help keep me sane please let me know!

No Negativity in New Zealand

It is amazing how one missed phone call and voicemail message has the ability to make me a complete and utter mess.

Yesterday, I awoke to a notification on my phone that I had missed a call from someone who is not meant to contact me (no, i am not going to say who it is). Since arriving in New Zealand I have continued to struggle, with my anxiey in particular, but due to being in a place I have always dreamt about visiting and exploring, the challenge has worked. I have fought through my negativity and anxiety to experience what I wantto experience. But, this one single notification caused me to have severe anxiety which led onto me being on edge throughout the day- not what I wanted to happen when it was the first full day I had to spend with Liam and Lauren- we were exploring Nelson (a place they hadn’t been around properly).

The drive to Nelson was beautiful- if not a little windy in certain places, and because I was driving my mind was completely focussed on the journey. As soon as we got to Nelson, I knew I had to get money out and that was what I fixated on. I have not struggled with this since arriving and I found it utterly frustrating. I had travelled across the world to spend time with my brother and here I was marching off to get money but no matter what I did to calm down I could not relax until I knew I had it. Luckily, Liam and Lauren were being particularly patient with me and once I had it, I elaxed into walking around and admiring Nelson.

Walking around towns here is such a different experience compared to home. Everwhere is so clean and people are just very chilled compared to peole at home constantly rushing from a to b. I think this will definitely help me in the longrun as I had deliberately avoided town at home for as long as possible due to the noise and people about.

Despite relaxing slightly, due to not being a particular fan of shopping I started to get agitated and wanted to move onto the next thing. This next thing I was particularly fixated on was going to see the sea. I can’t explain my sudden fixation with the water since being here other than it just calms me. With the other 2 starting to get hungry, we compromised and drove to a place right on the water front and it was stunning. The view from the large window was incredible and the food matched. It was definitely the right thing to do for all of us.

After the fabulous lunch (and cheeky cocktail Lauren made me have) we headed to the beach. There is something about the sea air which just makes me relax and turn off my internal thoughts. It was such a beautifully peaceful beach and I felt my anxieties ease.

We decided to head back home after the beach trip as Liam had rugby training and because they had not done it, I insisted we went back via the Queen Charlotte Drive. Despite only driving it the other day, it was still as incredible as the first day I saw it and because of the changes in weather it looked completely different and had an amazingly different effect on me.

Today, I have headed on a 6hr drive down to Franz Josef Glacier and Fox Glacier. 6hours in a car sounds like absolute hell but I promise you it wasn’t. The roads here are so different to home and the views are just out of this world with plenty of places to pull over to have a rest with lakes or mountains as view, instead of a kfc or mcdonalds. Also, it was the perfect opportunity to blast out my music and sing knowing noone else could hear me.

Despite how at ease I was for the majority of the drive, there was one thought causing me anxiety and this was how much petrol I had. Due to service stations not exisiting here, I was constantly checking my range even though I knew I had enough and knowing there were plenty of petrol stations on the way. Again, it was infuriating and tiring, but I worked hard to take in my surroundings as I was taught by my therapist in order to ground me which in turn calms me down and clear any negative thoughts.

Franz Josef itself is incredible. It has one main strip and is surrounded by mountains and of course the glacier. My room for the night is just up the road from the glacier which will be great to check out tomorrow. It isn’t easy for me to be a solo traveller but I know I am doing the right thing for me at this moment in time. I have to push myself and whilst I write this I am sat in a bar alone having a drink, waiting for food and lots of people walk past and look. Inside i want to run- but i am staying, smiling and sometimes even say hi. I know I need to conquer this and I think this will be the best way as I certainly would not have the chance to do this at home.

Everyone I’ve met in New Zealand so far- locals and travellers alike- are so incredibly chilled and happy. This alone makes me aware that I am in the right place to help conquer my mental health problems right now. As Liam said to me 4 days ago; there is no negativity in New Zealand and the more time I spend here, the more apprent this becomes.

No Negativity in New Zealand is Definitely the mantra I will be adhering to for the rest of my journey.

Am I Doing The Right Thing?

On my way over to New Zealand, all I thought about was ‘Am I doing the right thing?’ Yes, I have always wanted to visit New Zealand (and of course visit my brother and his girlfriend) but was this the right time?! I have two ill grandparents at home (one with Alzheimers, the other with Parkinson’s), my second nephew had just been born, the eldest nephew was turning 3 on the day I landed and most importantly, was I mentally stable enough to endure and most importantly enjoy this impulsive trip I found myself on?

During the last 6 months of my struggle with my mental health, I hadn’t gone really anywhere by myself and if I did go out, it was often due to the encouragement of my mum; she was always very conscious not to force but encourage thanks to the many mental health sites and blogs she read since my diagnosis. I mock, but it worked a treat and when sat on the plane, all I could think was; can I make myself go out without that constant source of confidence and encouragement she provided?

These doubts and constant questions went swirling round my head during the couple of hours I was awake on the 27hour flight and even when asleep, I woke up due to the panicky feeling I had due to the thoughts not completely leaving my brain. It is truly exhausting. However, I read the notes my therapist gave me, along with my tick list of things to accomplish whilst out of the country for a month, and gave myself a stern talking to. I have always been perceived as a confident and outgoing person and I certainly didn’t want to miss out on what could prove to be an experience of a lifetime.

* * *

It has been 35hours since I left home and I am sat in the bar where my brother and Lauren work, sipping a pint, sat alone on a high table so everyone can see me and have not felt this calm in months. I don’t know if it is because I know I have no choice other than to deal with it as I have no way of escaping, if it is due to being too jet lagged to care or is it because of the sense of achievement I have, knowing something from my tick list (or list of challenges) my therapist gave me can already be ticked off. In all honesty I don’t care, but, I do think it is important to note (so it helps people understand) that whilst the sense of achievement is there, the panic and paranoia never fully goes away. To try and stop the negative voices, I am writing and that is actually bringing me some joy- something I have not felt a lot of recently.

Around me as I write people walk past and say hello, they look in your eyes and smile and ask how you are doing. People notice that I am English and make conversation about my plans and instead of hiding like I would at home, I answer, laugh, look at them in the eye and enjoy the interaction. This is not something I have enjoyed doing for what seems to be an incredibly long time, but, because I have no one around, I do it and that is one of the reasons why I knew I needed to get away from home so I had to challenge myself.

The locals are all so lovely and welcoming. I have been here now for a massive 5hours and already been given a load of ideas about what to do and see on the South Island (they were a little surprised to say the least when they learnt I only booked this trip last week). One kind man has even offered me a spare room at his house in Christchurch when I go and visit. Their generosity, genuine sense of excitement and passion for their country is utterly infectious and in turn has made me more relaxed about the physical and mental adventure I am on.

I am going to be heading to my Air B’n’B shortly and for the first time in a long time, I am content. I have no anxiety about sharing a house with strangers and no worries about making the wrong decision. I am happy and I can safely say I am doing the right thing!

What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

When growing up, one of the favourite questions to ask or be asked was “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I am 27 and still asking myself the same question.

I like many children changed my preferred career daily- primary school teacher one day, a chef the next, before thinking of more specific careers like sport psychologist or lawyer as I grew up; both of those career paths were quickly rejected due to my hatred of psychology and also the idea of doing what was deemed to be a “proper” degree at university.

Growing up, I always knew I wanted to go to university. Like many people selecting their GCSEs, I chose subjects that not only I enjoyed but I knew I would get the best grades in so I could advance to the local Grammar School for A Levels, and in turn give me a better chance of getting the place on the course I wanted, at the University I wanted. I had a plan all set out from the moment I got conformation that I achieved the required A Level results to be accepted on to the course at the university I wanted- I would attend university for 3 years on the course of my dreams, graduate and fall into a job right away before buying my house 2-3years later.

Needless to say it didn’t work out like that…

My first attempt at university was at UEA and I was embarking on a vocational course studying Occupational Therapy. It had everything I wanted at that time- a career path once I graduated, practical sessions, placements and the knowledge of what I was going to learn, would allow me to help people in the future. Despite my excitement about embarking on this course, I was very aware that I was slightly different to my fellow peers. Yes I wanted to do well and help people but I also wanted the ‘University Experience’. I had heard so much about the sport afternoons on Wednesdays that I knew I wanted to join the Women’s Rugby Team and be a part of it. However, the majority of people on the course were there solely for the degree and couldn’t get their head round the fact that I wanted to socialise with other people and have experiences outside of my course. Despite my initial excitement for this course, it soon became apparent that this course at this particular University was not for me and decided to leave after one year to reevaluate what I wanted to do.

This was the first of what I deem to be ‘breaks’…

During my year out, I knew I wanted to go back to University and again study Occupational Therapy. This may seem like an odd choice considering I had just left one of the best universities for this specific course, but I was adamant that I would enjoy it more if extra curricular activities were more readily accepted. After a strenuous interview process at Coventry University, I received the confirmation that I got a place. At this point my life was back on track- I was working on a frequent basis and I started to organise my life again to reenter university life.

Again, this did not turn out as planned…

On the day of the A Level results, I logged into UCAS fully expecting to see my offer for Coventry University standing at Unconditional- it wasn’t. I was unsuccessful. Odd considering they already had my A Level results and had given me the offer. After a phone call it emerges they didn’t receive any of the paperwork which I most definitely sent. So, I went through clearing and this time I would take any course at any university I could. I wasn’t thinking of the career path, I just knew I desperately wanted to go to university and get a degree.

This led me to become a student at York St John University studying Sports Science and Injury Management. Despite never being to York or considering a Sport based degree, it was the best thing to happen. I loved it. The people on the course were brilliant, it was a smaller university so people tended to know one another- especially if you were part of a sports team, the city itself was brilliant and I made some fantastic friends. My time in York was fantastic and the fact that I got a degree and got to graduate York Minster was the cherry on the top. The only issue was I didn’t know what I wanted to do after graduation so like the thousands of others, I entered the job market and applied for any job I was remotely interested in or qualified for.

Thanks to a family friend, I was told I would be good in IT sales and after interviewing for a job I was given a role at a company which I worked at and progressed within for the next 3years. I was on a career path and enjoying it. I felt like I was going somewhere and I really quite enjoyed it when parents of people I went to school with were quite jealous that I was on a career path and their child was still travelling or doing jobs to make time pass. Admittedly I did have doubts about my job and questioned myself a lot; Was it what I wanted to long term? No. Do I want to be doing this in 5years time? Probably Not. Would it open up a lot of new opportunities due to the experience it gave me? Absolutely. It was due to my last answer that I persevered.

Now due to circumstances (which I am not ready to divulge just yet), in September 2017 I went to the doctor because I was concerned about my mental health. After an appointment with a mental health professional I was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety. I never thought that I would be diagnosed with a mental health illness and never appreciated the impact it has on you on daily life and the physical side affects. Until February, I was at work and it kept me busy. However, it was becoming increasingly obvious that I was getting less happy and less comfortable in that job, so I knew I had to make a career move, but it was that question again- what do I want to be when I grow up? At 26 (nearly 27) I certainly didn’t feel like a grown up. I was still living with my parents, had no relationship let alone a child and compared to the many ‘friends’ on social media, I felt like I was regressing. Needless to say this did not help my mental state.

In February, I was signed off work due to my depression and anxiety. I felt- and still do feel- like a complete failure and panicked about people’s perception of me. The original 2 weeks have turned into 3 months which I have not been at work for. It is hard to try and explain to people- so I don’t. I haven’t really discussed it with anyone apart from my parents, my doctor, therapist and a few close friends as I don’t want to feel the shame or panic about what they think of me or could say behind my back. I think this is due to me being incredibly aware that I used to have the wrong perceptions of mental health, before I got diagnosed and started on the long path of treatment to get better. Believe me, it is a lot of hard work and not an enjoyable experience.

So here I am in May and last week I impulsively bought tickets to fly across the world to New Zealand to see my brother and his girlfriend who have been living here for the last 6months. It is a place I have always wanted to visit and due to the undeniable feeling I felt at home of being a failure and not being able to challenge myself, this was the best thing I could do for me. I need to experience a different place, explore and have the opportunity to meet new people who I know, know nothing about me and in turn build my confidence and most importantly be happy again.

Happiness is something we all take for granted but I have learnt, within the last 6months especially, once happiness is an emotion you struggle to appreciate, life is a very dark and lonely place. I am in a place in my life where a lot of things are uncertain; I don’t know what I want to do in terms of a new job/career, I don’t know when I will be ‘back to normal’ and I don’t know what this trip to New Zealand will bring. What I do know is, if I was asked the question ‘What do you want to be when you grow up? My answer would be HAPPY and I am going to enjoy and embrace the new journey I have found myself on to reach my new goal.