The title of this piece is very important to me and given the current climate, I would like to share it with you all.

This is my mantra and was something my mum said to me to make me focussed on only things I could change or have an impact on. Last May when I was very unwell, my mum noticed that I tried to fix everything or I became consumed by things that I could never control. In my mind, I thought if I succeeded it would give me more worth and in turn feel more satisfied but unfortunately it had the opposite effect and to make me understand what I was doing, ‘You can only control the controllables’ was born!

Despite adhering to the daily plan I created at the beginning of the lockdown 6 weeks ago, last week was particularly tough for me as my mental health took a dip but for the first time in my battle with my mental health, I actually went with it rather ignoring it or trying to carry on as if everything was ok. This might not seem like a big deal but for me it was a little reminder to show how far I’ve come.

Dealing with a dip in my mental health away from home was a lot harder than I thought it would have been. If I was at home, my parents would have more than likely picked up on the signs before I was completely aware of them, so when the crash inevitably happened, they would have been prepared and would have known exactly what to do to help me heal. Being in Italy, living with now a close friend of mine, but who had never seen this side of me before was challenging for us both. The main reason being because I was not an easy person to live with; my sense of humour disappeared, I was very unresponsive and despite his best efforts I couldn’t voice what I wanted or needed. I had a real longing for home and everything home encompassed. I really missed Barney and being able to go for a walk. Due to Italy still enforcing no exercise outside, I was stuck in our apartment which did me no favours because there is only so much you can do and due to being confined to a relatively small space with no garden, I suddenly became very aware of the negative physiological reactions and thoughts I was experiencing. The only thing I could or wanted to do was exercise, phone my parents and lock myself away in my room.

I appreciate this is not a very happy story so far, but it gets better because, despite my dip, it was the first time I allowed myself to cry at films; I deliberately chose Fox & The Hound, The Notebook, Lady & The Tramp to get those tears flowing but it was no certainty that it would work. However, I am thrilled to announce it bloody worked and you might be wondering why this is something to celebrate so here is a tiny backstory…

I started seeing my counsellor Dawn in October 2018 and she made a real positive impact on me and how I handle my depression and anxiety. I believe we were in our 3rd session when she asked me when I had last cried. I really thought about it and I couldn’t remember. I left that session, asked my parents to see if they could remember when I had last cried and they too couldn’t remember. I just remember feeling empty- I really struggled to feel basic emotions. Due to my mental illness, I had suppressed everything so a lot of the work we did in the following 9months was based on me getting in touch with my emotions. It was a really hard and mentally tough journey but I will never forget her face when I first cried in a session- she looked like I had just won a gold medal and was so proud of me.

Despite this break through, I need to add it still isn’t very easy for me to allow certain emotions such as crying and this leads me to my achievement last week…

So there I was in bed, wrapped in 5 layers because I felt so cold and I was in floods of tears but I was smiling. I was smiling because I finally understood what my mum, counsellor, GP meant by having a good cry makes you feel so much better. It was therapeutic because I felt a release of emotions which I had not experienced in such a long time and for the first time in probably 3 weeks I actually slept well. I hate to admit it, but I will no longer make fun of my mum crying at a film because I will probably be the same. Crying last week was definitely the turning point last week and it is something I will hopefully not be too ashamed to do more of in the future.

***

I am now writing this on the 18th April, 1 week since my dip but in truth, it feels like it happened months ago. Being in lockdown (as you all know) really messes with you. I sometimes feel like we have been stuck in our apartment for only a couple of weeks, other times it feels like we haven’t been outside since January. In truth, we have been in lockdown for 6 weeks, the schools have not been open for 8weeks, and unlike at home, there is no talk of when they are going to be open again. Our lockdown has been extended to the 3rd May so hopefully the 2nd phase can then be brought in and this will hopefully allow us to go outside for exercise and parks being opened.

This week I have certainly felt a lot lighter in terms of my emotional baggage. It is not until it has been relieved, you realise how much stress you can carry around with you. This week, I have been using my mantra a lot more because I don’t want to fall in to the trap of trying to do too much because I did very little last week and I don’t want to get consumed by things that I have no control over (job security, coronavirus, money, lockdown deadline- the list is endless).

As many of you are aware, I created a list of activities that I wanted to do while in lockdown; read new books, watch films that I hadn’t had the chance and exercise more. I am very pleased to report that I have stuck to my routine of exercise and I can now see the positive impact it has had. I have read 17 different books, coloured a lot and watched 6 new films; if you haven’t watched it already, watch Green Book. It is my new favourite! My film count is slightly lower than I thought it would be but after starting to teach online, I have wanted to spend less time in front of my laptop screen and, this is a huge factor, I got caught up watching Tiger King. Tiger King was released at the right time because it is escapism tv at its best. It takes your mind off all your worries and it makes you thankful for what you have got.

I am all too aware of the emotional rollercoaster lockdown can bring; it is hard work trying to be positive and keep looking forward to the future. These are unprecedented times and the majority of us have never experienced anything like this before so here are somethings that I have found particularly useful;

Embrace the emotions; some days you will be feeling great, others you may feel like absolute rubbish. Don’t ignore them and certainly don’t feel guilty about feeling a specific way. Remember there is no rule book telling us what is the right and wrong way to deal with this situation so don’t compare yourself to others.

If you are feeling anxious stop watching, reading or listening to the news. I started to do this recently and it has helped me so much. Also, if your phone sends you alerts to breaking news- turn them off. I found I jumped every time my phone alerted me to something and now they are turned off, I feel so much more at ease.

Put your phone down: Whilst we have been in lockdown, the easiest thing we can do is to go on our phones. We are all guilty of it and it can be tough habit to break. However, I have found by limiting how much time I spend on my phone or specifically how much time I spend scrolling through social media, has really helped. Instead I listen to podcasts, colour, write or read to occupy and use my time more positively.

Dance and Sing: Create a lockdown playlist and play it as loud as you want. Whilst being in lockdown, the anthem ‘Stronger’ by Britney Spears has become mine and my flatmates song (he loves it now, but was slightly reluctant at first). I have loved listening to the 90s and 00s cheesy classics, dancing like a loon and using my hairbrush as a microphone. It has reminded me of being a child again and is so freeing.

Talk: Contact friends who you haven’t seen in a long time, speak to family members you can’t see and enjoy the technology we now have at our disposable; zoom, FaceTime. Speaking to different friends and family has really helped me in these times and it is something I intend to continue once the lockdown has ended.