Am I Doing The Right Thing?

On my way over to New Zealand, all I thought about was ‘Am I doing the right thing?’ Yes, I have always wanted to visit New Zealand (and of course visit my brother and his girlfriend) but was this the right time?! I have two ill grandparents at home (one with Alzheimers, the other with Parkinson’s), my second nephew had just been born, the eldest nephew was turning 3 on the day I landed and most importantly, was I mentally stable enough to endure and most importantly enjoy this impulsive trip I found myself on?

During the last 6 months of my struggle with my mental health, I hadn’t gone really anywhere by myself and if I did go out, it was often due to the encouragement of my mum; she was always very conscious not to force but encourage thanks to the many mental health sites and blogs she read since my diagnosis. I mock, but it worked a treat and when sat on the plane, all I could think was; can I make myself go out without that constant source of confidence and encouragement she provided?

These doubts and constant questions went swirling round my head during the couple of hours I was awake on the 27hour flight and even when asleep, I woke up due to the panicky feeling I had due to the thoughts not completely leaving my brain. It is truly exhausting. However, I read the notes my therapist gave me, along with my tick list of things to accomplish whilst out of the country for a month, and gave myself a stern talking to. I have always been perceived as a confident and outgoing person and I certainly didn’t want to miss out on what could prove to be an experience of a lifetime.

* * *

It has been 35hours since I left home and I am sat in the bar where my brother and Lauren work, sipping a pint, sat alone on a high table so everyone can see me and have not felt this calm in months. I don’t know if it is because I know I have no choice other than to deal with it as I have no way of escaping, if it is due to being too jet lagged to care or is it because of the sense of achievement I have, knowing something from my tick list (or list of challenges) my therapist gave me can already be ticked off. In all honesty I don’t care, but, I do think it is important to note (so it helps people understand) that whilst the sense of achievement is there, the panic and paranoia never fully goes away. To try and stop the negative voices, I am writing and that is actually bringing me some joy- something I have not felt a lot of recently.

Around me as I write people walk past and say hello, they look in your eyes and smile and ask how you are doing. People notice that I am English and make conversation about my plans and instead of hiding like I would at home, I answer, laugh, look at them in the eye and enjoy the interaction. This is not something I have enjoyed doing for what seems to be an incredibly long time, but, because I have no one around, I do it and that is one of the reasons why I knew I needed to get away from home so I had to challenge myself.

The locals are all so lovely and welcoming. I have been here now for a massive 5hours and already been given a load of ideas about what to do and see on the South Island (they were a little surprised to say the least when they learnt I only booked this trip last week). One kind man has even offered me a spare room at his house in Christchurch when I go and visit. Their generosity, genuine sense of excitement and passion for their country is utterly infectious and in turn has made me more relaxed about the physical and mental adventure I am on.

I am going to be heading to my Air B’n’B shortly and for the first time in a long time, I am content. I have no anxiety about sharing a house with strangers and no worries about making the wrong decision. I am happy and I can safely say I am doing the right thing!