What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

When growing up, one of the favourite questions to ask or be asked was “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I am 27 and still asking myself the same question.

I like many children changed my preferred career daily- primary school teacher one day, a chef the next, before thinking of more specific careers like sport psychologist or lawyer as I grew up; both of those career paths were quickly rejected due to my hatred of psychology and also the idea of doing what was deemed to be a “proper” degree at university.

Growing up, I always knew I wanted to go to university. Like many people selecting their GCSEs, I chose subjects that not only I enjoyed but I knew I would get the best grades in so I could advance to the local Grammar School for A Levels, and in turn give me a better chance of getting the place on the course I wanted, at the University I wanted. I had a plan all set out from the moment I got conformation that I achieved  the required A Level results to be accepted on to the course at the university I wanted- I would attend university for 3 years on the course of my dreams, graduate and fall into a job right away before buying my house 2-3years later.

Needless to say it didn’t work out like that…

My first attempt at university was at UEA and I was embarking on a vocational course studying Occupational Therapy. It had everything I wanted at that time- a career path once I graduated, practical sessions, placements and the knowledge of what I was going to learn, would allow me to help people in the future. Despite my excitement about embarking on this course, I was very aware that I was slightly different to my fellow peers. Yes I wanted to do well and help people but I also wanted the ‘University Experience’. I had heard so much about the sport afternoons on Wednesdays that I knew I wanted to join the Women’s Rugby Team and be a part of it. However, the majority of people on the course were there solely for the degree and couldn’t get their head round the fact that I wanted to socialise with other people and have experiences outside of my course. Despite my initial excitement for this course, it soon became apparent that this course at this particular University was not for me and decided to leave after one year to reevaluate what I wanted to do.

This was the first of what I deem to be ‘breaks’…

During my year out, I knew I wanted to go back to University and again study Occupational Therapy. This may seem like an odd choice considering I had just left one of the best universities for this specific course, but I was adamant that I would enjoy it more if extra curricular activities were more readily accepted. After a strenuous interview process at Coventry University, I received the confirmation that I got a place. At this point my life was back on track- I was working on a frequent basis and I started to organise my life again to reenter university life.

Again, this did not turn out as planned…

On the day of the A Level results, I logged into UCAS fully expecting to see my offer for Coventry University standing at Unconditional- it wasn’t. I was unsuccessful. Odd considering they already had my A Level results and had given me the offer. After a phone call it emerges they didn’t receive any of the paperwork which I most definitely sent. So, I went through clearing and this time I would take any course at any university I could. I wasn’t thinking of the career path, I just knew I desperately wanted to go to university and get a degree.

This led me to become a student at York St John University studying Sports Science and Injury Management. Despite never being to York or considering a Sport based degree, it was the best thing to happen. I loved it. The people on the course were brilliant, it was a smaller university so people tended to know one another- especially if you were part of a sports team, the city itself was brilliant and I made some fantastic friends. My time in York was fantastic and the fact that I got a degree and got to graduate York Minster was the cherry on the top.  The only issue was I didn’t know what I wanted to do after graduation so like the thousands of others, I entered the job market and applied for any job I was remotely interested in or qualified for.

Thanks to a family friend, I was told I would be good in IT sales and after interviewing for a job I was given a role at a company which I worked at and progressed within for the next 3years. I was on a career path and enjoying it. I felt like I was going somewhere and I really quite enjoyed it when parents of people I went to school with were quite jealous that I was on a career path and their child was still travelling or doing jobs to make time pass. Admittedly I did have doubts about my job and questioned myself a lot; Was it what I wanted to long term? No. Do I want to be doing this in 5years time? Probably Not. Would it open up a lot of new opportunities due to the experience it gave me? Absolutely. It was due to my last answer that I persevered.

Now due to circumstances (which I am not ready to divulge just yet), in September 2017 I went to the doctor because I was concerned about my mental health. After an appointment with a mental health professional I was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety. I never thought that I would be diagnosed with a mental health illness and never appreciated the impact it has on you on daily life and the physical side affects. Until February, I was at work and it kept me busy. However, it was becoming increasingly obvious that I was getting less happy and less comfortable in that job, so I knew I had to make a career move, but it was that question again- what do I want to be when I grow up? At 26 (nearly 27) I certainly didn’t feel like a grown up. I was still living with my parents, had no relationship let alone a child and compared to the many ‘friends’ on social media, I felt like I was regressing. Needless to say this did not help my mental state.

In February, I was signed off work due to my depression and anxiety. I felt- and still do feel- like a complete failure and panicked about people’s perception of me. The original 2 weeks have turned into 3 months which I have not been at work for. It is hard to try and explain to people- so I don’t. I haven’t really discussed it with anyone apart from my parents, my doctor, therapist and a few close friends as I don’t want to feel the shame or panic about what they think of me or could say behind my back. I think this is due to me being incredibly aware that I used to have the wrong perceptions of mental health, before I got diagnosed and started on the long path of treatment to get better. Believe me, it is a lot of hard work and not an enjoyable experience.

So here I am in May and last week I impulsively bought tickets to fly across the world to New Zealand to see my brother and his girlfriend who have been living here for the last 6months. It is a place I have always wanted to visit and due to the undeniable feeling I felt at home of being a failure and not being able to challenge myself, this was the best thing I could do for me. I need to experience a different place, explore and have the opportunity to meet new people who I know, know nothing about me and in turn build my confidence and most importantly be happy again.

Happiness is something we all take for granted but I have learnt, within the last 6months especially, once happiness is an emotion you struggle to appreciate, life is a very dark and lonely place. I am in a place in my life where a lot of things are uncertain; I don’t know what I want to do in terms of a new job/career, I don’t know when I will be ‘back to normal’ and I don’t know what this trip to New Zealand will bring. What I do know is, if I was asked the question ‘What do you want to be when you grow up? My answer would be HAPPY and I am going to enjoy and embrace the new journey I have found myself on to reach my new goal.