Trip to the Glaciers

**Disclaimer- I started writing this a week ago but due to how busy I have been, I have only had chance to finish it now**

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I have just returned from one of the toughest journeys I have encountered since being here- physically and mentally but I am so glad I persevered.

Having never seen a glacier before I was determined to head down to Franz Josef Glacier and Fox Glacier whilst being here in New Zealand. I booked my room for an overnight stay in Franz Josef, packed my walking boots and lots of layers and headed on my 500km drive down the west coast to the glacier country.

Being in a car for 6hours is not easy at the best of times but when it is only you in the car it was an even bigger task so I was determined to make the most of it. Lauren kindly made me a packed lunch to go with, I had plenty of drinks and my ipod was fully charged so I could sing to my heart content knowing noone could hear me.

In all honesty, the drive down was much better than the drive back due to the time of day I left, but due to the scenery and the lack of other motorists it was really quite pleasant. There was no need to rush which was fantastic as some of the roads were less than ideal-lots of tight corners at a very high altitude meant it was much more comfortable knowing you can take your time without feeling pressured to put your foot down.

I had some lovely stops on the way down by some of the most beautiful lakes I have ever seen and it was great to sit down, eat my salad and stretch my legs to refresh myself before heading back in the car to get to Franz Josef. I still can’t get over the ‘service stops’ here. At home stopping at a service station means you run into a building, maybe go to the bathroom, get some fast food if you are lucky before running back to your car and rejoin the wonderful sights of a British motorway. Here, they don’t have shops or buildings, instead you are at a beautiful lookout, hike or part of a national park. You don’t hear any traffic from the road and it is a proper break from a drive where you can see something you weren’t intending on seeing or just sit and and read a book in the peace and quiet. Pure bliss.

By the time I got to Franz Josef it was 4:30 and my room was located in a motel 5minutes away from the base of the glacier which was great. Due to the time I arrived I knew I wanted to get some food before heading back to my room so I could get an early-ish night so I could see both glaciers the following day before heading back to Renwick. I also wanted to ensure I spent the least amount of time driving in the dark the following day as the roads are quite treacherous in the daytime and in the dark with no street lights it would be terrifying.

I awoke bright and early on Thursday and it was freezing, so I made sure I had plenty of layers before heading off to get a coffee and walk to see the Franz Josef Glacier. Walking through a rainforest environment knowing I was about to see one of the most famous glaciers blew my mind. Even though it was so cold, the greenery around me was amazing and coming out on the other side to see my first glimpse of the glacier was incredible. The walk to the glacier wasn’t to bad at all and due to getting up so early it was a great way to refresh myself and clear my head. Since being diagnosed with mental health issues, I have fully appreciated the benefits of a walk especially whilst listening to musice-it is so relaxing and the fact you are getting some exercise makes it all the better.

The walk was definitely worth it and the hill I was warned about was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. The glacier was incredible and I feel so privileged to have been able to seen it. There are lots of signs on the way to the glacier stating this is where the glacier was in 1935 for example and how quickly the glaciers are reducing in size. I am not embarrassed to admit that I have always rolled my eyes when people talk about the impact of global warning on the environment- I don’t know if it is because I have been brought up and live in the hub of an industrial area- but I have always had a very blasé attitude towards global warming as selfishly I think personal and family concerns take priority. However, since being in New Zealand where conserving the environment is almost central to everything they do (e.g Air New Zealand donates $2.50 to their own environmental charity), I have actually listened and learnt a lot about the environment and impact global warming is having. Seeing a glacier which is reducing at rapid speed is incredibly sad and it concerns me that future generations won’t be able to see this amazing spectacle. I am not going to go vegan, vegetarian or all eco friendly but I will endeavour to become as responsible I can to the environment- not only here in New Zealand but at home. The air and water is so clear everywhere you go here it is a constant reminder to me how much damage is being caused.

Anyway, after seeing the incredible Franz Josef Glacier, I headed back to my car and drove 25km south to Fox Glacier. The drive was amazing but on such tight windy roads going up such a huge mountain road I contemplated more than once if I should just turn round and head to Renwick. It was so scary but I knew I would beat myself up for the rest of my trip if I didn’t persevere so with that reminding me, I continued to drive and it was not the first time that afternoon that I was thankful that I pushed myself to get to the destination.

Due to the Franz Josef Glacier being a particularly pleasant walk, I turned left for the car park where you want to leave the car so you can walk to the glacier instead of just going to the lookout. Now, due to the previous walk not being a particularly long or difficult one, I left my iPod in my car but I ensured I was wearing my sturdy timberlands, lots of layers and had my phone and water in my backpack. I wandered off thinking I had everything I needed to see the glacier and in theory I did- but- what they don’t tell you is you need an oxygen tank and there really is no need for the amount of layers they suggest.

Good grief- it was the most difficult walk I have ever undertaken! The pathway was so steep I felt my knees were going to hit the pavement in front of me and typically the most difficult part of the hike was where there were loads of signs saying ‘No Stopping-Rocks Falling’. I took the risk- I had to stop! It was so hard and due to lack of music or company I found it incredibly difficult to keep motivating myself to walk up this pathway to hell. Every time I turned a corner, I relaxed a little thinking I made it but no – I was just greeted by another ridiculously steep path I have ever seen. I stopped and nearly turned round so many times as I caught a glimpse of the glacier, no one would have known if I did just cheat and go to the lookout but somehow I fought through the mental barrier and made it to the top. It was such a relief when I got there but it took a good 5minutes for me to even take in the glacier which I had just hiked to see due to how hot, tired and shaky I was. Once I calmed down enough to see the glacier I was not disappointed. It was so beautiful and it shocked me to see how much it differed to the Franz Josef Glacier. I naively thought a glacier was a glacier but the differences were quite incredible and that made it even all the more worth it that I fought through the pain and mental block to see it.

On the way back down to the car I practically skipped. It was so steep but such a relief to be going downhill after accomplishing something I doubted many times that I would give up on. I did try to hold in my relief whilst I was passing people on the way up and I did tell them to keep going as it was completely worth it- I like to think it motivated them to keep going as no-one had said anything to me when I was hiking up the hill and at the end of the day we are all enduring the same hell for the same reward.

Once I got to my car I sat with all the doors open for a good 10minutes whilst I waited for my adrenaline to subside and I was safe to drive again. It was now time to head home but via Lake Matheson. Lake Matheson was a lake I had actually heard of before arriving in New Zealand and I knew I wanted to see it. The reflection of the water is widely talked about and on a good day you can see Mount Cook from the viewing spot so I knew I couldn’t be so close to it without seeing it. The drive was only 10minutes away so I got there, parked my car and walked 30minutes to the Reflection Point. In hindsight I wish I had done this walk before Fox Glacier as it wasn’t a difficult one but due to the state of my legs after the previous hike, the slightest incline killed me and made it feel much more difficult than it actually was. However, the lake was incredible. It was so beautiful and not even the cloud directly over Mount Cook could have ruined it for me. I sat at Reflection Point for a while just taking in the sights before me and emptying any thoughts before taking photos and heading to my car for the long drive home. Despite how heavy my legs felt, I felt so content and at ease which was really pleasant.

On the way back to the car the clouds parted and I could see Mount Cook in all its glory. I have never been so excited about seeing a mountain but it looked so incredibly majestic on the skyline I felt privileged to have seen it in all its glory. After taking photos I headed to my car, plugged in my iPod and set off for home.

Due to it being 3pm by the time I left, I knew I wouldn’t get home until 8 at the earliest so I wanted to get as far as I could, as quickly as I could, due to knowing it would go dark incredibly quickly from 5pm and with no street lights, it would be a hard slog to keep going on the very windy roads. Driving in the dark is not an experience I particularly enjoy at the best of times but this was like no other drive I have done. I think I only passed 5 cars/lorries for 3hours once it turned dark so I was driving back alone and due to the lack of signs I had no idea how long left I had. If I hadn’t done the drive in the daytime I would not have known I was surrounded by mountains, lakes and other beautiful sights. It was quite nice however being able to leave your full beam on at all times- means you avoid having to do the quick turn off when you see another car approach.

By the time I got home I was shattered but could not believe what I had seen over the past 24hours. People I spoke to when I was in Fox or Franz Josef thought I was crazy travelling all that way for such a short visit but I am so glad I did. Yes it was a long drive but the sights I saw were simply incredible. I would highly recommend anyone who is visiting New Zealand to make the effort to see them and when I return I will definitely visit them again…but in a helicopter!

No Negativity in New Zealand

It is amazing how one missed phone call and voicemail message has the ability to make me a complete and utter mess.

Yesterday, I awoke to a notification on my phone that I had missed a call from someone who is not meant to contact me (no, i am not going to say who it is). Since arriving in New Zealand I have continued to struggle, with my anxiey in particular, but due to being in a place I have always dreamt about visiting and exploring, the challenge has worked. I have fought through my negativity and anxiety to experience what I wantto experience. But, this one single notification caused me to have severe anxiety which led onto me being on edge throughout the day- not what I wanted to happen when it was the first full day I had to spend with Liam and Lauren- we were exploring Nelson (a place they hadn’t been around properly).

The drive to Nelson was beautiful- if not a little windy in certain places, and because I was driving my mind was completely focussed on the journey. As soon as we got to Nelson, I knew I had to get money out and that was what I fixated on. I have not struggled with this since arriving and I found it utterly frustrating. I had travelled across the world to spend time with my brother and here I was marching off to get money but no matter what I did to calm down I could not relax until I knew I had it. Luckily, Liam and Lauren were being particularly patient with me and once I had it, I elaxed into walking around and admiring Nelson.

Walking around towns here is such a different experience compared to home. Everwhere is so clean and people are just very chilled compared to peole at home constantly rushing from a to b. I think this will definitely help me in the longrun as I had deliberately avoided town at home for as long as possible due to the noise and people about.

Despite relaxing slightly, due to not being a particular fan of shopping I started to get agitated and wanted to move onto the next thing. This next thing I was particularly fixated on was going to see the sea. I can’t explain my sudden fixation with the water since being here other than it just calms me. With the other 2 starting to get hungry, we compromised and drove to a place right on the water front and it was stunning. The view from the large window was incredible and the food matched. It was definitely the right thing to do for all of us.

After the fabulous lunch (and cheeky cocktail Lauren made me have) we headed to the beach. There is something about the sea air which just makes me relax and turn off my internal thoughts. It was such a beautifully peaceful beach and I felt my anxieties ease.

We decided to head back home after the beach trip as Liam had rugby training and because they had not done it, I insisted we went back via the Queen Charlotte Drive. Despite only driving it the other day, it was still as incredible as the first day I saw it and because of the changes in weather it looked completely different and had an amazingly different effect on me.

Today, I have headed on a 6hr drive down to Franz Josef Glacier and Fox Glacier. 6hours in a car sounds like absolute hell but I promise you it wasn’t. The roads here are so different to home and the views are just out of this world with plenty of places to pull over to have a rest with lakes or mountains as view, instead of a kfc or mcdonalds. Also, it was the perfect opportunity to blast out my music and sing knowing noone else could hear me.

Despite how at ease I was for the majority of the drive, there was one thought causing me anxiety and this was how much petrol I had. Due to service stations not exisiting here, I was constantly checking my range even though I knew I had enough and knowing there were plenty of petrol stations on the way. Again, it was infuriating and tiring, but I worked hard to take in my surroundings as I was taught by my therapist in order to ground me which in turn calms me down and clear any negative thoughts.

Franz Josef itself is incredible. It has one main strip and is surrounded by mountains and of course the glacier. My room for the night is just up the road from the glacier which will be great to check out tomorrow. It isn’t easy for me to be a solo traveller but I know I am doing the right thing for me at this moment in time. I have to push myself and whilst I write this I am sat in a bar alone having a drink, waiting for food and lots of people walk past and look. Inside i want to run- but i am staying, smiling and sometimes even say hi. I know I need to conquer this and I think this will be the best way as I certainly would not have the chance to do this at home.

Everyone I’ve met in New Zealand so far- locals and travellers alike- are so incredibly chilled and happy. This alone makes me aware that I am in the right place to help conquer my mental health problems right now. As Liam said to me 4 days ago; there is no negativity in New Zealand and the more time I spend here, the more apprent this becomes.

No Negativity in New Zealand is Definitely the mantra I will be adhering to for the rest of my journey.

Treasure the Memories

New Zealand is just incredible!

The views will never cease to amaze me, even on a day like today when it rained for the first part, it was still so beautiful. The locals also amaze me. Whilst I did mention in my previous post about locals taking the time to talk to me on my first night, it did creep into my mind that alcohol may have exaggerated their excitement and passion for the country. I could not be more wrong. They are so welcoming and can’t do enough to help you and that attitude definitely made me feel more confident whilst out exploring the area for the first time alone as I knew if I was going to get into any trouble, I could rely on someone helping me.

After speaking to people who live here it becomes increasingly apparent how incredibly open they are. They talk about their families, relationships, worries etc. and I can safely say I know more about one stranger I met today than I did after being friends with someone for 6months. I have had a few conversations here with locals and they mock how reserved we are in the UK in comparison to themselves. From my personal experience I have always been perceived as relatively open but I know that was just a facade covering up so many insecurities and negative thoughts I had about myself. On reflection I do think if I divulged more about my thoughts and how I felt about myself, maybe- just maybe- I would not have gotten as ill as I have been. However,I am not going to dwell as that will completely go against what I am trying to achieve whilst I’m here. It just amazes me how going to a new place can help me reflect on something that would have probably not crossed my mind if at home.

Since arriving I have been lucky enough to go to a few places in the Marlborough area and have already had the pleasure of sampling the famous green lipped mussels, a world winning gin from 2007 called Blenheim Bay , local wine and even tried some locally brewed craft ale which I am surprisingly enjoying- if my parents thought I would come back from this famous wine region a connoisseur, they are going to be incredibly disappointed.

Trying new things and just driving around this beautiful area perks me up. It reminds me that I am so lucky to be experiencing foods, drinks and views that we don’t have at home and that is one of the main things I love about travelling new places and immersing yourself in other peoples culture and experiencing their way of life. It opens up my mind in such a positive way. The more that I will push and challenge myself throughout my journey- physically and mentally, the better. I have already got my next couple of journeys planned out and after my journey today along the Queen Charlotte Drive, I can’t wait to explore and continue to treasure the memories it will provide me with.

Below are just a few of the amazing views I captured whilst driving around. Hope you enjoy them!

Am I Doing The Right Thing?

On my way over to New Zealand, all I thought about was ‘Am I doing the right thing?’ Yes, I have always wanted to visit New Zealand (and of course visit my brother and his girlfriend) but was this the right time?! I have two ill grandparents at home (one with Alzheimers, the other with Parkinson’s), my second nephew had just been born, the eldest nephew was turning 3 on the day I landed and most importantly, was I mentally stable enough to endure and most importantly enjoy this impulsive trip I found myself on?

During the last 6 months of my struggle with my mental health, I hadn’t gone really anywhere by myself and if I did go out, it was often due to the encouragement of my mum; she was always very conscious not to force but encourage thanks to the many mental health sites and blogs she read since my diagnosis. I mock, but it worked a treat and when sat on the plane, all I could think was; can I make myself go out without that constant source of confidence and encouragement she provided?

These doubts and constant questions went swirling round my head during the couple of hours I was awake on the 27hour flight and even when asleep, I woke up due to the panicky feeling I had due to the thoughts not completely leaving my brain. It is truly exhausting. However, I read the notes my therapist gave me, along with my tick list of things to accomplish whilst out of the country for a month, and gave myself a stern talking to. I have always been perceived as a confident and outgoing person and I certainly didn’t want to miss out on what could prove to be an experience of a lifetime.

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It has been 35hours since I left home and I am sat in the bar where my brother and Lauren work, sipping a pint, sat alone on a high table so everyone can see me and have not felt this calm in months. I don’t know if it is because I know I have no choice other than to deal with it as I have no way of escaping, if it is due to being too jet lagged to care or is it because of the sense of achievement I have, knowing something from my tick list (or list of challenges) my therapist gave me can already be ticked off. In all honesty I don’t care, but, I do think it is important to note (so it helps people understand) that whilst the sense of achievement is there, the panic and paranoia never fully goes away. To try and stop the negative voices, I am writing and that is actually bringing me some joy- something I have not felt a lot of recently.

Around me as I write people walk past and say hello, they look in your eyes and smile and ask how you are doing. People notice that I am English and make conversation about my plans and instead of hiding like I would at home, I answer, laugh, look at them in the eye and enjoy the interaction. This is not something I have enjoyed doing for what seems to be an incredibly long time, but, because I have no one around, I do it and that is one of the reasons why I knew I needed to get away from home so I had to challenge myself.

The locals are all so lovely and welcoming. I have been here now for a massive 5hours and already been given a load of ideas about what to do and see on the South Island (they were a little surprised to say the least when they learnt I only booked this trip last week). One kind man has even offered me a spare room at his house in Christchurch when I go and visit. Their generosity, genuine sense of excitement and passion for their country is utterly infectious and in turn has made me more relaxed about the physical and mental adventure I am on.

I am going to be heading to my Air B’n’B shortly and for the first time in a long time, I am content. I have no anxiety about sharing a house with strangers and no worries about making the wrong decision. I am happy and I can safely say I am doing the right thing!

What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

When growing up, one of the favourite questions to ask or be asked was “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I am 27 and still asking myself the same question.

I like many children changed my preferred career daily- primary school teacher one day, a chef the next, before thinking of more specific careers like sport psychologist or lawyer as I grew up; both of those career paths were quickly rejected due to my hatred of psychology and also the idea of doing what was deemed to be a “proper” degree at university.

Growing up, I always knew I wanted to go to university. Like many people selecting their GCSEs, I chose subjects that not only I enjoyed but I knew I would get the best grades in so I could advance to the local Grammar School for A Levels, and in turn give me a better chance of getting the place on the course I wanted, at the University I wanted. I had a plan all set out from the moment I got conformation that I achieved the required A Level results to be accepted on to the course at the university I wanted- I would attend university for 3 years on the course of my dreams, graduate and fall into a job right away before buying my house 2-3years later.

Needless to say it didn’t work out like that…

My first attempt at university was at UEA and I was embarking on a vocational course studying Occupational Therapy. It had everything I wanted at that time- a career path once I graduated, practical sessions, placements and the knowledge of what I was going to learn, would allow me to help people in the future. Despite my excitement about embarking on this course, I was very aware that I was slightly different to my fellow peers. Yes I wanted to do well and help people but I also wanted the ‘University Experience’. I had heard so much about the sport afternoons on Wednesdays that I knew I wanted to join the Women’s Rugby Team and be a part of it. However, the majority of people on the course were there solely for the degree and couldn’t get their head round the fact that I wanted to socialise with other people and have experiences outside of my course. Despite my initial excitement for this course, it soon became apparent that this course at this particular University was not for me and decided to leave after one year to reevaluate what I wanted to do.

This was the first of what I deem to be ‘breaks’…

During my year out, I knew I wanted to go back to University and again study Occupational Therapy. This may seem like an odd choice considering I had just left one of the best universities for this specific course, but I was adamant that I would enjoy it more if extra curricular activities were more readily accepted. After a strenuous interview process at Coventry University, I received the confirmation that I got a place. At this point my life was back on track- I was working on a frequent basis and I started to organise my life again to reenter university life.

Again, this did not turn out as planned…

On the day of the A Level results, I logged into UCAS fully expecting to see my offer for Coventry University standing at Unconditional- it wasn’t. I was unsuccessful. Odd considering they already had my A Level results and had given me the offer. After a phone call it emerges they didn’t receive any of the paperwork which I most definitely sent. So, I went through clearing and this time I would take any course at any university I could. I wasn’t thinking of the career path, I just knew I desperately wanted to go to university and get a degree.

This led me to become a student at York St John University studying Sports Science and Injury Management. Despite never being to York or considering a Sport based degree, it was the best thing to happen. I loved it. The people on the course were brilliant, it was a smaller university so people tended to know one another- especially if you were part of a sports team, the city itself was brilliant and I made some fantastic friends. My time in York was fantastic and the fact that I got a degree and got to graduate York Minster was the cherry on the top. The only issue was I didn’t know what I wanted to do after graduation so like the thousands of others, I entered the job market and applied for any job I was remotely interested in or qualified for.

Thanks to a family friend, I was told I would be good in IT sales and after interviewing for a job I was given a role at a company which I worked at and progressed within for the next 3years. I was on a career path and enjoying it. I felt like I was going somewhere and I really quite enjoyed it when parents of people I went to school with were quite jealous that I was on a career path and their child was still travelling or doing jobs to make time pass. Admittedly I did have doubts about my job and questioned myself a lot; Was it what I wanted to long term? No. Do I want to be doing this in 5years time? Probably Not. Would it open up a lot of new opportunities due to the experience it gave me? Absolutely. It was due to my last answer that I persevered.

Now due to circumstances (which I am not ready to divulge just yet), in September 2017 I went to the doctor because I was concerned about my mental health. After an appointment with a mental health professional I was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety. I never thought that I would be diagnosed with a mental health illness and never appreciated the impact it has on you on daily life and the physical side affects. Until February, I was at work and it kept me busy. However, it was becoming increasingly obvious that I was getting less happy and less comfortable in that job, so I knew I had to make a career move, but it was that question again- what do I want to be when I grow up? At 26 (nearly 27) I certainly didn’t feel like a grown up. I was still living with my parents, had no relationship let alone a child and compared to the many ‘friends’ on social media, I felt like I was regressing. Needless to say this did not help my mental state.

In February, I was signed off work due to my depression and anxiety. I felt- and still do feel- like a complete failure and panicked about people’s perception of me. The original 2 weeks have turned into 3 months which I have not been at work for. It is hard to try and explain to people- so I don’t. I haven’t really discussed it with anyone apart from my parents, my doctor, therapist and a few close friends as I don’t want to feel the shame or panic about what they think of me or could say behind my back. I think this is due to me being incredibly aware that I used to have the wrong perceptions of mental health, before I got diagnosed and started on the long path of treatment to get better. Believe me, it is a lot of hard work and not an enjoyable experience.

So here I am in May and last week I impulsively bought tickets to fly across the world to New Zealand to see my brother and his girlfriend who have been living here for the last 6months. It is a place I have always wanted to visit and due to the undeniable feeling I felt at home of being a failure and not being able to challenge myself, this was the best thing I could do for me. I need to experience a different place, explore and have the opportunity to meet new people who I know, know nothing about me and in turn build my confidence and most importantly be happy again.

Happiness is something we all take for granted but I have learnt, within the last 6months especially, once happiness is an emotion you struggle to appreciate, life is a very dark and lonely place. I am in a place in my life where a lot of things are uncertain; I don’t know what I want to do in terms of a new job/career, I don’t know when I will be ‘back to normal’ and I don’t know what this trip to New Zealand will bring. What I do know is, if I was asked the question ‘What do you want to be when you grow up? My answer would be HAPPY and I am going to enjoy and embrace the new journey I have found myself on to reach my new goal.